I’m going to keep this post as short as I can, not because I avoid the subject but its such a vast topic with so many stages and recovery. I may break it down into separate posts in the future, going into recovery after our miscarriage and trying for another baby, but for now I thought I would just summarise our experience to give you an idea of how we were affected. A year on its so nice to now feel ready to share our story and some photos as we had so many plans for our first baby which are now only memories and all I really have to look back on.
We were so excited to find I was pregnant at the end of September 2015. I came off the pill after our wedding in march 2015, but it took my body 3 months to adjust and return back to normal after being on the pill for so long. We tracked ovulation and I brought a clear blue advanced fertility monitor. The first month using it we caught after only 3 months trying. It all happened fast looking back, however I was one of those naive people who thought you came off the pill and nine months later had a beautiful baby. How wrong was I.
Anyway finding out we were pregnant was so magical and although it didn’t go as planned, I am so grateful to have experienced pregnancy in a raw and naive way as after you lose a baby the excitement and magic of finding out you’re expecting isn’t quite the same.
Our baby would have been due on 8th June 2016. 3 days before my birthday, what a lovely present that would have been. I told Ben and my sister straight away and parents about a week after finding out.
I was waiting for my symptoms to kick in but they never really did, I thought I was just lucky and hadn’t really been affected symptom wise. Now I know that was the first sign for me something wasn’t quite right. At about 8 weeks I was getting impatient and because of lack of my symptoms Ben and I decided to have an early scan to put my mind at ease. I used to be such a worrier and this was really affecting me causing my anxiety to hit hard.
We went to mothercare as they had a sonography unit in the shop. I didn’t book in so We were hoping we could just turn up. Luckily they had an available slot so we agreed to everything and decided to go ahead. It didn’t go quite as planned and the sonographer was struggling to find the baby on a normal ultrasound so she had to do an internal ultrasound. She then confirmed everything and said she could see a heartbeat, which I never saw. She went on to explain that my dates were slightly out and we were actually due on July 3rd. I didn’t really know if that was normal or not so assumed she had confirmed all was fine and went home. I was still a bit anxious about the situation but slightly reassured that there was defiantly a baby inside and had there been anything wrong she would have informed us.
A few of weeks later I had a couple of spots of dark blood and my symptoms still hadn’t really hit me. I panicked and called the out of hours midwife straight away. My 12 week scan was only a few days at this point. The midwife said the blood wasn’t anything to worry about and fairly common as long as it was dark. So to hold out for my 12 week scan 4 days later.
Turning up for the scan was the most scariest experience of my life. I had my doubts but blocked them out and just tried to stay optimistic that everything would be fine. The jelly was put on my tummy and the male sonographer proceeded with the scan. He never said anything for about a minute and the screen I knew definatly didn’t show a baby as you would expect the development to be at the 12 week stage. He told me to go and empty my bladder so he could re scan. I remember walking to the toilet in my own world dazed but still unaware the baby had no heartbeat at this point. I returned and he then continued with the scan. Ben and my mum were also in the room with me so I had there support straight away. I remember the sonographer then saying ‘I’m really sorry there’s no heartbeat’ It was the most hardest news I had received and my whole world instantly fell apart.
Id suffered a missed miscarriage – which is where your body doesn’t reject the pregnancy and tries to hold onto it, which is why I had no pain or bleeding. I was told that the baby had died at around 8 weeks.
Straight away I was sent to the counselling room where I had to decide on the next step to take. I could choose to let the miscarriage progress naturally and they would give me a tablet to start off the process or Dilation and curettage under general anaesthetic. I had a bit of a panic attack and felt so out of control. Considering this Ben and I decided the D&C would be the best option for me as I would be asleep and wouldn’t have to see anything. I was then booked in for my pre-op the next day which was the 24th November 2015 and would have the Procedure first thing the following day.
We then left the hospital and I cried the whole way home holding onto all the leaflets your sent away with. Id told friends and family we were expecting and had messages on my phone asking how the scan went. My sister was a star and took control of explaining the situation to everyone as I couldn’t face talking at that point.
Turing up to my pre-op the following day there was a confusion between the 2 hospitals and it hadn’t been booked in. I was then told I may have to wait until Friday instead of Wednesday to have the D&C. I’ve never had a meltdown like it and the waiting room was full of couples in the stages of early pregnancy. They let me sit in a room and wait to see what could be done. We were moved about 5 times and my metal state was deteriorating by the hour. I was getting distressed as Id had a baby inside me for the last month that wasn’t alive and at that point I just wanted my body back. It was such a traumatic situation to be in. They sent a doctor to see me who said they only schedule a few d&cs a day and that they were so busy. I was mortified and she could see this so said she would try to see if they could get me in through A&E. I was desperate and just wanted it all to be over.
It was the longest day of my life and with having to go through A&E it meant waiting for a available slot in-between the emergencies. I also had to go through all the medical terms of the process and if I wanted a planned funeral or crematorial. I wasn’t ready to face all of that so soon but chose the crematorial as the hospital arrange it. The doctor went onto explain its very dignified. The hospital cemetery they use for this was also the same cemetery where my grandparents were both buried too so that put me slightly at ease knowing that. 11 hours later after no food just incase it went ahead , I got the okay. It was all quite rushed and after laying across chairs in waiting rooms all day I was physically and mentally exhausted.
I woke up after the operation and felt so alive and hydrated. I was relieved the last 2 days were over and all I wanted was ben and a comfy bed. I couldn’t go home until I had eaten and been to the toilet to make sure the bleeding was okay. I’ve never been more determined to get out of the hospital. 2 hours after waking up, we were walking out the hospital at 1am and on our way home. Ben and mum were with me through the whole day and without there support I don’t know how I would have coped.
After that I had to go through the recovery. That for me was the hardest part of the experience and Ill do another post at a later date on recovery.
My best bit of advise for anyone planning or trying for a family or experiencing similar loss would be
- Dont put pressure on yourself- What will be will be. If your getting married because you want to start trying be aware that its not something that can be controlled or planed so just enjoy the process of the journey.
- Dont worry about what other people think and other opinions – When we lost our baby I felt so judged and such a failure that something so normal that seemed easy to everyone else had gone wrong for us. That was mostly because im naturally slim which ive always hated growing up. I thought people might think that I was to blame and that really bothered me at the time. I knew I was healthy and did all I could throughout our first pregnancy. Looking back thats all that matters. If anyone asks if your trying for a baby also dont be affraid to say its none of your business. When you lose and baby and people still ask it makes you want to punch them in the face! Obviously don’t!!! But just bare in mind unless you have experienced this type of loss most people cant relate to you.
- Blame – Dont blame yourself – For me this was the hardest part, but once I got through it. I learnt to accept what at happened and the blame lifted, it was just part of the greiving process.
- Taboo – Baby loss has such a taboo surrounding it and I have chosen now to talk about my experience to help others. 1 in 4 people suffer from miscarriage and I would love if opening up about our story helps just one person going through a similar situation. I felt so lonely throughout my experience and looking back I wasnt lonely, I just felt I couldnt relate to anybody.
Im thankful now for what i learnt throughout our miscarriage experience and writing this at almost 33 weeks pregnant, its amazing what a journey you can go on and all the different highs and lows you can go through in a year. Our misscarriage taught me so much and even though our first baby isnt with us, Our little cherub has had such a massive and positive impact on my life. Helping me to learn and cope with managing my anxiety, understanding how to to be grateful and appretieate what I have in my life already and helped me to prepare my body for a healthy pregnancy. Its amazing really what such a tiny little person can do and how much it can impact you not just in a negative way but positive too. For that I smile now.
I hope my experience can help others understand your not alone and that its such a personal experience which in the long run will make you so much more grateful and stronger as a person.
Love Mia x0