Finding out we were expecting again was so scary. The second time around we weren’t preventing pregnancy however we defiantly weren’t trying either. I was unsure if i was psychologically prepared for the whole journey and mostly the chance of loss again so soon.
Understanding that this was a completely new pregnancy really helped me to stay as positive as I could in the first few weeks of our second pregnancy. I had some CBT therapy about a couple of issues after my miscarriage. My therapist was so helpful and professional. For anyone struggling to cope or come to terms with a miscarriage, I would highly recommend a course or EMDR or CBT. I chose to go forward with counselling thanks to encouragement from friends and family and mostly due to personal anxieties I’ve had most of my life which got excessively worse after loosing our first baby.
Although the sadness surrounding loosing a baby is so tragic I’m also so thankful for what the experience taught me. I have managed to address my anxiety to a healthy manageable level of worry now which I think has been my main reason for this pregnancy progressing the way it has. I feel without our miscarriage experience now, anxiety and worry would have had much more of a hold on me going into motherhood. I’m not a negative person at all and great at encouraging others and helping people through obstacles they may face, however my downfall was always self-confidence and doubting myself. That’s one thing now I realise is so important and key in staying mindful and positive throughout day-to-day life.
Finding out we were expecting again was a completely new experience and I was really happy that after 6 months of loosing our first baby we were expecting again but i was also extremely scared too. It was a huge emotional rollercoaster. I called the early pregnancy unit and was told I could have an early reassurance scan at 7 weeks to check progression of the growth. This really helped me stay positive. I had another scan at 10 weeks too as I was worried my symptoms had subsided. My second scan showed the baby was developing nicely. I didn’t suffer any morning sickness but my symptoms were so much more apparent the second time around. I had nausea, loss of appetite and tiredness this was on and off from week 7-14. Even though I felt pretty rubbish, I was so pleased to be feeling pregnancy symptoms as for me not having any the first time was my first sign of miscarriage. My therapist was so lovely and had also suffered miscarriage as some point so answered some of my questions from a more personal point of view. She was going to discharge me but when I found out I was expecting, she let me stay on for a few more sessions just until I got the reassurance from the hospital that I needed to move forward. That was such a huge help in the early weeks.
As the weeks passed the emotional attachment got a little easier. I really wanted to be excited but there was something stopping me from attaching myself just incase I got hurt again. When I hit 20 weeks, ben and I discussed sharing our news then. The first time around Ben and I were not going to find out the sex of our baby, but because of me struggling to get attached this time, we felt it would be a good decision to help things seem more real.
The sonographer wrote down the sex in an envelope. When we were together in the car Ben opened the envelope first and pulled out the card. I was too nervous. He smiled and then passed the card to me. I looked down and it said ‘Girl’ I immediately burst out crying. We were both convinced we were having a boy, so it was such a big shock, I was so thrilled and even Ben shed a little tear seeing how happy it made me. We had chosen 2 teddys when we found out I was expecting and decided we would buy one when we found out the sex. One was a pink flamingo and the other a blue whale, so the first place we went was flamingo shopping.
After our 20 week scan it was like a huge weight had lifted of my shoulders. I could finally start to get excited and enjoy my pregnancy. I’ve been eating and drinking really healthy and have had so much energy throughout which really surprised me. Ive stayed very positive and tried not to think too much into things as ive learnt that’s what triggers my anxieties. I’m so proud of my progress and feel I am now ready for the new challenges of motherhood im about to face. Yes im really scared for birth but isn’t everyone? I know in the moment I will cope and get through whatever situation I face.